Poetry Lover

Contentious

A cartoon I have begun.

An alien just asked me what a bar is

" I’m an alien -- an admittedly, 100% humanoid and incredibly attractive alien. Being the incredibly helpful person you are, what is the deal with these “bar” things that you humans seem so fond of? Specifically, why do people go? What is there to do at bars in theory? What do people usually do there in practice? Remember – I know NOTHING about your culture, or rationale, or anything – so no detail is too obvious, obscure, or irrelevant. Lay it on me. Gender differences, what a person’s drink says about them, etc."

Well, there are really three types of bars, lounges, dives, and

Clubs. I will describe each individually. Though they differ in many

ways, for all three, the major motivations are 1) to mate, and 2) to have a

good time.

1) Lounges

Lounges are generally the most expensive, thus also the classiest. Generally dimly lit, they are often filled with either trendy or ultra-modern furnishings.

The mixed drink and wine rule here, mostly in the liquor on the rocks variety. Professionals frequent these spots after they finish work. Attire includes work suits, gowns, cocktail dresses and the like. The ambiance is completed with quiet jazz, classical or new wave music playing softly in the background. This is without a doubt the best bar for a date situation.

the female/mael ratios are normally as follows

Female: 50%

Male: 50%

2) Dive bars

There are really three subcategories of dive bars: "sports bars", "college bars”, and "eternal bars" (those that have been around forever.) In most ways they are all pretty similar. Dive bars are generally loud, but only due to the sheer volume of guests. Given the options of bar games such as foosball, pool, darts, or arcade games, people mill around in the dark, crowded bar.

Be it in pitcher form, for large groups or in the more individual choice of cans, bottles, or single glasses, beer is often the most popular choice. Visual projections showing recorded moving images, known as TV screens, make up much of the interior decoration, showing sports games. Of course, sports bars have a much larger number of TV screens than the other two.

Students who live or attend university nearby populate the college bars. Sports bars are mostly attended by all sorts of people, all nterested in getting drunk while watching whatever sports team they prefer. The less popular category, the Eternal bars, do not boast such a high clientele. Homeless people, those who have lived in the area forever, and random stragglers with nothing better to do, make up the regulars at the Eternal bars.

The music played is usually composed of guitars drums, and vocalist, known as the genre “rock”. Dive bars are also the most likely to allow an assortment of drinking games, including quarters, a game involving bouncing a monetary metal discuss into a cup. Beer pong, popular amongst students, entails tossing a small spherical white object into another team’s cups from a distance. An assortment of card related games are also readily available. Be wary; the consumers at these establishments are the most territorial about the locale, and can sometimes be unwelcoming to strangers that show any amount of disrespect. Attire consists of Jeans and a T-shirt, Sports jerseys, tank tops, and leather or jean jackets.

The female/male ratio is as follows

Female 20%

Male 80%

3) Clubs-

Club-goers are by far the most obsessed with finding a mate. They are also primarily centered on dancing. More often then not, the dancing involves the “bump and grind”, a ritualistic dance involving extremely close contact with your dance partner while reenacting bodily movements very similar to mating. You will often find hundreds of couples on the dance floor all doing the same dance. The music mostly falls into two categories, the first being electronic music, music mostly synthesized by a person known as a DJ operating a computer. Hip-hop, music centered on poetic spoken word over a heavy beat, is the other popular choice. The heavy base lines of both types of music make the “bump and grind” dance easy to perform. This type of bar regularly charges an entrance fee, as well as for pricier drinks inside. It can often have a very selective line on the outside, only permitting a few people at a time.

More often then not, Clubs are centered on having a higher female to male ratio due to the highly sexual atmosphere inside, and the club owners prefer to keep it that way. Drinks are mostly hard liquor, either in a small, condensed, highly volatile form, known as a shot. Hard liquor can also be mixed with fruity or savory, non-alcoholic liquids to produce a “mixed drink”. If you are able to afford it, you may pay for a table, a designated area for you and your compatriots to sit and enjoy yourself. These tables are provided with their own server and come with a choice of a hard liquor bottle. These tables are also extremely expensive.

The attire for men mostly involves similar attire to lounges, though the shirts are generally flashier. Also, depending on the person and neighborhood, one may where track suits. This dress code is meant for the male to wear his most expensive clothing, while the woman must wear the least amount of clothing without appearing to be a "slut", a woman who sleeps with too many men. The woman’s apparel usually comes in the form of mini-dresses and skirts, tube tops, and heavy jewelry.

The female/male ratio is as follows

Female 60%

Male 40%

So be weary my fellow alien compatriot a bar can be very fun but also a very dangerous and mysterious locale.

-Edited by Rachel Heine

It's Tron-O-Clock!!

During this time of thanks, here are a couple of TRON: LEGACY trailers for your viewing pleasure. The first is a music video set to the music of French-Techno-Wonders, Daft Punk - If you weren't aware, they are scoring the movie, which is AWESOME!!

The second video is the latest trailer for Tron, revealing the main storyline of the movie. It too, is quite awesome.

It's Like Fighting Fire with Candy Corn.

Recently I've been spending a lot of car travel time listening to this new radio station here in LA - 97.1 AMP Radio. Carson Daly does the morning show, bless his little TRL heart. While the station does right by pop fans by playing a lot of good pop/hip hop music, the station has a playlist of what seems to be about... 15 songs.

Now this is all well and good, but this means I get to hear Katy Perry's "California Gurls" about 48 times a day. And I only spend maybe 30 minutes in my car a day, at best. Yeah, do the math on that one.

As I listen to this song, and my brain slowly dies because of the music, I started breaking down the song. "Why?" you may find yourself asking. The answer is quite simple. Katy wrote this song as a response to Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." Don't believe me? Read about it here.

Now I've heard some pretty dumb things living in this state, but this definitely makes the top 15. Lets break down why:


- Jay-Z's song is filled with references to New York - images that conjure feelings of nostalgia and affection. Terms and groups, and places that people can identify with: Bed-Stuy, Knicks games, Yankees, and in the process he embodies the NY spirit and attitude.

- Katy Perry talks about how hot California girls are. That's pretty much the song. No references to anything cool in California. No references to any cities, or histoic events, or famous people (aside from "Snoop Doggy Dog on the radio"). There is nothing that recreates a sense of nostalgia, no ideas that people can identify with, except that girls are hot.

- Jay-Z teams up with the super-sexy, super-talented Alicia Keys, who sings an amazing catchy hook about NY that everyone knows and can easily sing along with. If you wanna talk about visuals, The video is riddled with pictures of New York, and Alicia is dressed in this sexy sexy outfit and plays a piano.

- Katy's song is so repetitive, that its hard to tell what part is the hook, and its so difficult to sing, most people just sing along with "oh oh oh oh oh" part, of which there are far to many. Snoop sounds sooo bored in this song, I would imagine he phoned it in from New York, hungover, having partied with Jay-Z all night. Her Music video is themed like Candy-Land, which makes NO sense, and instead of picking out a sexy costume, she gets naked and sits on a cloud. Its like going all the way on the first date. A first date that seems to involve Acid, and a whole lot of candy.

This is supposed to be a retort - a response to an amazing video. And Katy Perry steps up to the plate? That should have been the first warning sign. I have no idea what she was thinking while she jerry-rigged this steaming pile of crap together. I can only assume she misspelled "Gurls" on purpose out of respect to the Beach Boys, but even that failed, because now when you hear the phrase "California Girls," everyone's mind jumps to Katy Perry. Google agrees with me. Sorry boys, but your classic song about the west coast has been buried under some pop icon wearing a purple wig, who can't stop saying "oh."

Its like having a debate with someone, and after they make a valid point, your response is "Yeah? That's not what your mom said last night. OHHHHHH!!!!"

If the West Coast wanted a good retort to Empire State of Mind, we should have just put Pac and Dre's "California Love" back on the radio.

Here are the videos, if you want to know what I'm talking about. For the record? Perry's video? Almost 16,800,000 views at the time of this posting. Jay-Z's? over 67,105,000. Numbers don't lie.

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

How to Write Internet Commentary

You're surfing a video on YouTube, or FunnyOrDie. Maybe you're reading an article on politics or badgers. And now you're ready to make your voice heard: to add... a comment!

What follows are five basic rules to make your comment both popular and meaningful:

1. Show that you were first
If you are the first to comment on something, be sure to write, "Yes! I'm first!" or something to that effect. Everyone else who reads the article will be impressed with your quick thinking, and ability to click things more quickly than others.


2. Check your grammar at the door
People who post internet comments are very busy and important, and do not have time to bother with things like spelling or grammar. It is also important to interject internet slang such as OMG and LOL, at seemingly random intervals. This slang can also be used to bookend your comment. Please note the following example:

Initial Sentence: "I found your article on the proliferation of nuclear weaponry to be profoundly enlightening."

Internet Commentary Sentence: "OMG therr are somany of those ppl who have thez bumbs they r evrywear! LOL!!!"


3. Remember your racism
If you don't understand the video/article, you should instead try to incite some sort of racial, or otherwise bigoted hatred.
Popular topics include: Jews, Blacks and Homosexuals. But hey, don't feel limited by these options, there are plenty of minority groups to espouse.

Example: "i hte the IRish cuzz theey r abunch of potatos LOL!!!"

Your random racial rantings will draw far more of a response than any rational discussion of the video/article ever could!


4. Quoting is everything
If you're watching a video, it's a great idea to quote the funniest line/lines from it in the commentary. Most people who have watched the video have already forgotten the parts that made them laugh, so it's a great help for them to be able to see your quote as a reminder. For those who have not seen the video, your comment will give them an idea of what to look for, so they won't have to be surprised by the humor.


5. Refuse to accept irony
If the video/article is clearly being sarcastic or joking, you should absolutely take it at face value and assume they are being serious. The following would be an acceptable response to an article about using kittens as an alternative fuel source:

Example: "U R SOOO STUPUD! OMG kitens r not sumthan to burn LOL yur goingg to hel lke the JEWS!"


By following these five rules, you will be sure to gain the respect and admiration of your fellow internet commentators. This is a marvelous thing to have, because there is no one more important and sophisticated than someone who posts a comment on the internet.

-Sam

Preemptive christmas music

So a select few radio stations that will go unnamed have decided that november 1st is the time to start playing Christmas Music. Now before I start I would like to point out that I love Christmas Music, and Christmas is easily one of my favorite holidays. (third to halloween, and my own birthday since i'm an egotistical bastard.) But to play Christmas Music anytime before the day of Thanksgiving (number 5 on top holiday list) is a terrible thing to do.

The reason for this is that it steals Thanksgivings thunder, early November is a time to begin the preparation for the fantastic turkey and corn themed feast that will arrive on the third thursday of the month. These rules of when to start celebrating are in place because each holiday deserves its time in the sun. You don't wear green on Valentines Day. You don't give romantic gifts on Ground Hogs day. You don't shoot fireworks off on Memorial Day. These holidays are deserving of their seasons, and these selfish shark jumping Christmas epicureans need to slow the fuck down.

Not to mention we also want to make sure we don't burn out on our Christmas celebration. There are many of us who ignorantly wish that christmas was every day of the year. But in reality, we would go broke from present giving, we would becomes obese from all of the feasting. Be to drunk off of eggnog to do anything good for society. And most likely put a bullet in our head after the 6000th rendition of the nutcracker. It's the limited time that we can celebrate these holidays and there trappings that makes them so special.

So please instead of singing about rudolf, and Santa this early november. Start compiling recipes for deep fried turkey, twice baked potatoes, and Marshmallow yams. Start dieting in preparation for the extreme amount of food you are going to have to ingest in the beautifully presented meal on thursday the 25th of november.

And for your enjoyment a thanksgiving poem by mister Sam Kellett

A young freezer turkey named Chester,
Fell in love with the roasting pan
But his love, unrequited, did fester,
Which is why he devised such a plan:

On a cold Thursday morn
He snuck out in the kitchen
His passion reborn,
His loins full of "itchin"

He saw her, the pan
She was staring at him.
He proclaimed "here I am!"
And he mounted her rim.

Then he barreled inside
Fitting tight in her groove.
And his heart felt so light,
As the pan 'gan to move.

And that's when things got hot
('Bout 350 degrees)
He felt stuffed, stuffed a lot,
Full of love, broth and peas.

So he stayed in that place,
In that pan, slick and round
And how long was his grace?
(20 minutes, per pound)

Til at last a great hoist
Brought him out of the heat.
He felt crispy and moist,
He felt ready to meet,

Thanksgiving.

Happy Turkey Day everybody!

(Author's note: This was a consensual cooking. The only reason the love was "unrequited" before, was because Chester hadn't had the butterballs to talk to her).